runawayworld.

today was a rather difficult day. for some reason today i was just a bit bitter. unfortunately those who spoke with may today may agree... but today was worse than normal, because today was about my pride, not my hurt.

i've been sitting here writing this, forcing myself to be vulnerable with anyone who takes the time to read this, because i pray maybe you can learn from my mistakes. maybe in some way i can save you from the same heartache. i'm currently listening to my fallback song, "hands on deck" by waking ashland.

all hands on deck, don't abandon the ship, you'll never know what it could have been.

as i regularly have to, i am currently learning to put my everything in christ alone. i repeatedly find someone or something to throw my all into, and each time, it falls away. but in all honestly, i am so wrong. i know for a fact the only thing that deserves that much time and energy is my jesus christ. but why do i never learn?

and i need a miracle to save me from this, and i need the angels to all pray for me- i can't believe you.

so pray for me. rather, pray with me- because i know i'm not the only one who struggles with this. i'm finally understanding that this isn't one or two prayers. not even one or two months/years of working on a particular issue. this is about daily giving up my life to the one who truly deserves it.

and shes turning pages i'm not making for her, and shes painting pictures, without me in mind- i can't believe you.

liv,

chandler.

hands on deck, by waking ashland.

i never said thank you for that.

Lately, i've returned back to my former love- Jimmy Eat World. Even though we've taken a bit of a break, knowing i could return at any time, always knowing that there was a song for whatever i was feeling, drew me home.

Music has a unique way of reaching me. I'm not even gonna begin to try to label it as something unique to me, as the Lord used David's music looooong before even the idea of my conception came about.  It makes me so sad that so many people are caught in this horrific little bubble of their "musical preferences." Sure, i understand preferring a particular genre, but even that is a little close minded.  Music ministers, music inspires, it encourages.  This isn't limited to christian music alone. For example, yesterday, the two year anniversary of my mom's death had me listening to one particular song on repeat.  "She is" by Between the Trees is an absolutely glorious song. I will speak no more of it though, cause i want you to go listen to it yourself.

I didn't mean to start this as a review though.  Recently i have just realized how much music is stereotyped, shunned, or supported just because it has a particular label.  I think Christians in general are just as much, if not more guilty of this than anyone.  Sure, there is a time and place for worship music (possibly beneficial for that time to be like... 99%), but so often we discredit the ability of "secular" music to inspire or encourage.

I'll start with the inspiration part.  Answer me this honestly, if you go all hardcore at the gym, and try lifting more weight than ever before, do you really want "Amazing Grace" by boyz to men playing in your headphones? If your answer was anything other than "no", i highly doubt that you've been having very successful workouts lately.  Don't get me wrong, Amazing Grace is an amazing song (like that rhyme?/amazing grace is one of my all time favorites), but it just simply doesn't get your blood pumping! (there are exceptions to every rule, don't get all righteous and argue with me).  Now, i'm not saying you have to go download something absolutely crazy like "Bodies" by Drowning Pool (but by all means, do what you want), but after all the goal is to lift weights, not kill people.  For me personally, inspiration music isn't always worship, but songs written specifically for what i'm feeling at the moment.  After all, its "times like these we learn to live again."

Secondly, encouragement. Part of this falls under what i spoke about before (songs specifically written for what i'm feeling at the moment).   Sometimes its just good to hear someone sing to something you're currently struggling with, currently rejoicing in, or someone just having fun and going crazy (not recommended for legal purposes, but watch Johnny and Christian- you can survive car dancing/whatever they call that).  For me personally this manifests itself on a regular basis through so many different songs. Like right now, their is a particular person who is very much less involved in my life than historically she has been.  She has "done nothing to make me love you less, so come back when you can."  That particular song has no spiritual connotations whatsoever, but when you think of the lyrical depth of this song, was not what he is singing about, EXACTLY what God says to us?  This song is about a person, but this openness to forgiving someone, and wanting them back is nothing knew. God sent his one and only son, Jesus Christ to die on the cross for us. Was this band thinking about that when they wrote this song? I don't believe so, but that doesn't detract from the message whatsoever.  The idea of forgiveness is just as appropriate in this fashion.  The same thing applies to many other songs though.  "Father's be good to your to your daughters, daughters will love like you do, girls become lovers, who turn into mothers, so mothers be good to your daughters too."  Once again. Truth. But is it Christian? Not specifically.

Just some thoughts.

hola.

June 1st.

Approximately 2 hours and 16 minutes from the time i have started this note, marks the two year anniversary of the moment my wonderful mother walked into her heavenly father's arms. Approximately 6 hours and 15 minutes from the moment i'm typing this, is when i realized my life was never going to be the same.
For approximately 187 days leading up until June 1st were the most trying days of my life... and i wasn't even sick.

I'm sitting here typing and erasing everything, spending far more time on this note than i intended too, making a vain attempt at eloquently and clearly stating what current thoughts run through my head. I wish so much that i could just bring every memory to light, show everyone who my mother was, but i know i can't do that. In fact even if i could, i wouldn't even rightly honor my mother, because she did so many things in secret. So many times she served others so humbly, and so intentionally, that many of us never had any idea. My mom was a truly wonderful woman, and the most God glorifying, Christ honoring woman i have ever met.

There aren't words to describe what is going through my head right now.

My mother was awesome.

I guess what is going through my head is really just the days leading up to, and the day i lost my mom, followed by the funeral. I'll try to explain those times to those of you taking the time to truly read all of what i'm typing.

Saturday May 26th is where i will start for now. I was working at Sonic that afternoon, when my phone kept going off repeatedly. I couldn't figure out what was going on, but under the circumstances i clocked out to check it. It was my dad, i had 6 missed calls. Immediately i felt something sink deep inside of me. Was this how i was gonna find out? Is she gone? Thankfully no. My mom just wanted desperately to speak to me. My mom never asked much of everyone, especially when they were busy or it was out of their way, so i knew it meant something that she had repeatedly asked for me to come down to the hospital. I immediately left work and made, what was at that point, an all too familiar drive. As i made my routine parking job in Green Tower, and took my walk across the bridge to see my mom, i thought about all that had happened over the last 181 days. From the day she found out she was sick, my mom was a different person in so many ways. She was the same selfless servant she always was, but with SO much more life. My mom was having fun. We all knew what the outcome of this was gonna be, and she sure as heck made the best of it. She had grown so close to God, so close to my father, and so close to the rest of us. It was an inspiration to so many people, and i'm sure some that i don't even know.
I walked into the room, and i knew this was gonna be difficult. I could read in her eyes what she wanted to talk about. See, i'm an idiot. I screw up juuuust about everything. I'm rebellious, i'm hard headed, and i don't really do well with authority. That had def affected my relationship with my mom. Over the last few years we had had a rough time, due wholly and completely to my sinful rebellion.
I knew thats what this was about.
I got sick to my stomach, i so didn't want to have this conversation. I was so afraid i was gonna sit down, and hear about everything i had done that had hurt her, and how she had forgiven me. But thats not it at all. She spoke to me for almost 45 minutes, and wouldn't let me speak. She told me about how she felt about the last few years, how much she regretted, how much she loved me, and then asked for my forgiveness for being harsh. That was who my mom was. She managed to find a speck to remove in her own eye, rather than try and pull out the appalachian forrest we could all see proceeding from -both- of my eyes. She had held my hand this entire time, and it was then i truly understood how sick she was. What was once a healthy, lively, strong hand, was so much smaller than i had ever remembered, so cold, just skin and bones...

She then began talking to me about Emily's graduation, and how deeply sorry she couldn't be there. She literally wept over the fact thats she wasn't able to serve other people that night after she had committed to it (before she made a turn for the worse).
That night, after graduation, i drove Mrs. Kohl and Lauren back to the hospital. My mom was so excited for visitors. Mrs. Kohl, being so thoughtful like she always is, brought my mom a program from the grad that night. It made my mom so happy.

What happened next was one of the hardest things i have ever had to deal with. The medicine was beginning to kick in, and my mom was having a hard time with it. She tried so hard to look at the pamphlet she had just been brought. She couldn't hold it. For whatever reason, she couldn't read it, and couldn't figure out what was going on. I tried to help her, but the fact that it was upside down didn't really register. She kept dropping it. It was a simple peace of paper, but her body just wasn't working right. She kept dropping, and then picking it up again, dropping it and picking it up. She tried to be okay with it and smile, but i know for a fact that it cut each and every person in the room straight to the bone. Here was the most capable woman in the world, falling apart in front of our eyes. AND FINDING JOY IN THE MIDST OF IT.
That was not the last time i saw her, but it was the last time i spoke with my mother. The next few days were almost unbearable, and because of that, i've repressed a lot of the memories. I do remember though, making a nightly visit to find her groaning in pain, or to walk into the room only to look her in the eyes and realize she wasn't there. She barely recognized me. I remember my sisters coming, and she wept and screamed because "they didn't match." I knew it was because she couldn't tell them apart, and my mom couldn't handle the fact that she didn't know each of her babies. We were my mom's pride and joy, and that night i saw hell.

My door was messed up. It was off center, and so you had to screw with it every time you wanted to open or close it. I remember waking up at 8am on Friday morning, June 1st, to the sound of my father walking messing with my door knob, trying to get in.

My dad walked in and silently sat down on my bed right next where i was laying, and slowly looked up at the wall, where i had a pointless piece of art work, without saying a word.

...it was then that i knew.

"Son, mom walked into the arms of her Father this morning." Tears began to roll down his face. We both just sat there a moment, and he gave me some time on my own. I still vividly remember that moment. The sun coming through the window was so warm, and the house was so quiet. I was in shock, but one thing i knew, the grace of God was abundant in my house. Shortly thereafter, i walked downstairs to greet the Hollis family as they were walking in the front door. Everything felt so surreal, like the whole world was on hold.
My mom was gone.

I remember the next few days flew by. The visitation came and went, however slowly that may have happened. I remember shaking hundreds of hands, and looking into twice that many eyes. So many people care about my mom. I remember looking for the back of the line and saying, "please mom, do i really have to stay here for this?" I turned for an answer. She wasn't there to give one. Thats when it sunk in, i don't remember the rest of that night.

Shortly thereafter was the funeral. And wow, was it one amazing funeral. I remember being corralled in a room with all my family waiting to get started. We walked out of the room. I remember a sea of faces, but not recognizing a single one, i kept my eyes on the beautiful portrait of my mother up at the front. i remember thinking "my world is falling apart. i'm not gonna make it to that seat. chandler, put one foot in front of the other, don't fall down." i remember worshipping, and getting lost in that. I remember a few people getting up to speak about my mother. I remember, as my father stood up to go speak, there was not a single sound. The entire world went quiet. Then, just as he began speaking, God cried. The heavens opened up and the rain fell down. Mrs. Padgett and Mrs. Drury taught me what that is called in literary works, when the weather fits the mood. of course i don't remember.

The last thing i remember about that summer was the burial. The whole family was able to sit up front, but i gave up my seat and stood at a distance. Friends and family stood encircling the burial site, and around my family, but i stepped out. I needed to feel free, i needed to think, so i distanced myself so i could just watch. I remember as people were saying goodbye, just realizing she was truly gone.

My mother was gone. I dropped to my knees and began to cry. I had fought so hard to hold my composure, to be strong for everyone else, but i was done. I remember someone grabbing me by the arm and picking me up saying, "come on Chandler, you can do this, stand back up. show these people that you have a rock to stand on, that this isn't the end, that there is so much more beyond this. i love you."

i was standing again... i looked around.

...i saw no one.

its a cold, and its a broken hallelujah

.i don't really know how this could help anyone at all, or even myself... but i have to do something.

.for those of you that didn't know, i've been in the caribbean sea for the last 5 days for my senior trip. i have never felt anything like i did this week. nor have i ever felt as close to my mom since she died than i did this week.  although it was against the rules, i found a few chances to sneak out alone at night.  not to do anything inappropriate of course, but just to look at the stars.  there is nothing like laying on the top of the boat staring at the stars.

.there was a strange peace in my heart as i was laying gazing at heaven.  from where i was laying, i could see absolutely no man made creation.  although i was laying on what seemed like the most massive floating creation on earth, i had situated myself in such a way that i was looking up, and could see no part of it.  at that point i literally felt like i was floating the stars, the gentle rocking of the boat beckoning me to leave my cares there on the ground, and let my Lord Jesus Christ pick them up.  and for a few minutes i was able to do that.  i felt as if i was amongst the stars, the wind blowing through what little hair i have left, and the crashing of millions of waves washed away the anxieties that had been building up in my heart.  i felt as if God was laying there next to me, as if my mom was watching me. as if life were, even if just for a moment, the way God intended for it to be, perfect.

.i think it was honestly the first time i had felt that peaceful since the afternoon my mom died.  as i laid there crying, i thought about the days ahead that i had to walk through without my mom. graduation is a week from tomorrow. yes, my high school graduation.  i made it, i lived, i survived; by the grace of God alone.  could this have all been a lesson i could have learned earlier?  had i learned my lesson before she got sick, would she have died? i know these are kinda stupid questions, but they still run through my head. is it my fault? i'm just really having trouble seeing what the whole point of this is. i mean come on, this is so painful. i just don't get how or who this is doing any good for.  

who do i turn to when i'm trying to figure out how to propose in a way that is going to be the most amazing moment of her life? 

who do i call when i can't get my first child to stop crying?

who do i talk to when my kid is as messed up as i am?

.i just don't understand how He could use me. of all people, how me? i mean, i'm insecure, inadequate, i have a stutter, i'm prideful, i'm stubborn, i'm rebellious, i'm incapable, i'm not very bright. how is he going to use a guy like me?

.yes yes yes, i know, i'm no where near the first guy to ask that question. moses couldn't speak either. david was prideful. the list goes on and on.  but what can i really do?

.i'm making a conscious decision right now to live through this for Christ. at times i'm SO tempted to give up. but then what would be the point? i would have suffered and STILL lost. i'm way to stubborn and prideful to go down like that.

.Lord Jesus Christ. use me as you wish, use me for your glory, mold me for your purpose, make me who YOU want me to be.

love is vulnerable.

-chandler andrews ellise

.167.

.6.1.07.

.11.6.06.

i love being alone...he lies.

So, its been awhile since i've actually updated this thing... i thought it was about time.

life lately, wow. thats about the only word i could even use to begin describing it.  had you asked me a year and half ago what i would be doing now, i would have been totally clueless as to the joys and sorrows the next 18 months would bring me.  life has been so bittersweet.  i can't even begin to tell you the emotional roller coaster i've ridden over the last 18 months, and i know its not over, but one thing i do know is, it is going to end well.  not well in the a worldly sense, because my life has been changed radically.  i've lost pieces of it that i will never regain, and i've picked up pieces that i hope i never have to let go of.  let me just tell you first hand, God never gives us more than we can handle.  i can't remember who exactly told me this, but someone recently said: "chandler, God never gives us more than we can handle. do you realize what that means? you're going through so much more than most of us ever go through! that just shows what kind of man God has shaped, and will shape you into. you have to handle all of this, because you can! and because its for His glory!"  i can't even tell you how much those words blessed me.

so what is God's plan for all of this? i have no freaking clue.  but let me just tell you...i'm SO excited.  yes, it has hurt more than i thought i could possibly handle, but is it turning out for my good? of course.  i have yet to see the end, but i know that no matter how it turns out, its going to be for the best.  i don't remember where i read this quote. but somewhere i read "everything will be ok in the end, if its not ok, its not the end."  

the Lord has blessed me far beyond what i deserve. i have a great family, i great school, a great church, and amazing friends.  so many of them have blessed my life in ways that i don't think i could ever tell them.  the Lord has blessed me with, Lauren Kohl, the most amazing girlfriend anyone could ever ask for.  shes been with me every step of the way and i have no idea how i would have made it without her.  she showed not only her love for me, but God's love for me was shown through her.  she's amazing.  also, i've grown much closer to amazing people like will g, will c, max, amy, christian, anna b., and my cousin rachel. all of these people have been incredible friends.

how am i doing? SO much BETTER than i deserve.

i've learned to day by day trust the Lord.  trusting Him is not a one time decision, its moment by moment.

trust Him, have faith in Him, give Him your everything. and in turn, He will bless you beyond reason, beyond comprehension, and far beyond what you truly deserve.

more later....maybe

-chandler