.for those of you that didn't know, i've been in the caribbean sea for the last 5 days for my senior trip. i have never felt anything like i did this week. nor have i ever felt as close to my mom since she died than i did this week. although it was against the rules, i found a few chances to sneak out alone at night. not to do anything inappropriate of course, but just to look at the stars. there is nothing like laying on the top of the boat staring at the stars.
.there was a strange peace in my heart as i was laying gazing at heaven. from where i was laying, i could see absolutely no man made creation. although i was laying on what seemed like the most massive floating creation on earth, i had situated myself in such a way that i was looking up, and could see no part of it. at that point i literally felt like i was floating the stars, the gentle rocking of the boat beckoning me to leave my cares there on the ground, and let my Lord Jesus Christ pick them up. and for a few minutes i was able to do that. i felt as if i was amongst the stars, the wind blowing through what little hair i have left, and the crashing of millions of waves washed away the anxieties that had been building up in my heart. i felt as if God was laying there next to me, as if my mom was watching me. as if life were, even if just for a moment, the way God intended for it to be, perfect.
.i think it was honestly the first time i had felt that peaceful since the afternoon my mom died. as i laid there crying, i thought about the days ahead that i had to walk through without my mom. graduation is a week from tomorrow. yes, my high school graduation. i made it, i lived, i survived; by the grace of God alone. could this have all been a lesson i could have learned earlier? had i learned my lesson before she got sick, would she have died? i know these are kinda stupid questions, but they still run through my head. is it my fault? i'm just really having trouble seeing what the whole point of this is. i mean come on, this is so painful. i just don't get how or who this is doing any good for.
who do i turn to when i'm trying to figure out how to propose in a way that is going to be the most amazing moment of her life?
who do i call when i can't get my first child to stop crying?
who do i talk to when my kid is as messed up as i am?
.i just don't understand how He could use me. of all people, how me? i mean, i'm insecure, inadequate, i have a stutter, i'm prideful, i'm stubborn, i'm rebellious, i'm incapable, i'm not very bright. how is he going to use a guy like me?
.yes yes yes, i know, i'm no where near the first guy to ask that question. moses couldn't speak either. david was prideful. the list goes on and on. but what can i really do?
.i'm making a conscious decision right now to live through this for Christ. at times i'm SO tempted to give up. but then what would be the point? i would have suffered and STILL lost. i'm way to stubborn and prideful to go down like that.
.Lord Jesus Christ. use me as you wish, use me for your glory, mold me for your purpose, make me who YOU want me to be.
love is vulnerable.
-chandler andrews ellise
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