its a cold, and its a broken hallelujah

.i don't really know how this could help anyone at all, or even myself... but i have to do something.

.for those of you that didn't know, i've been in the caribbean sea for the last 5 days for my senior trip. i have never felt anything like i did this week. nor have i ever felt as close to my mom since she died than i did this week.  although it was against the rules, i found a few chances to sneak out alone at night.  not to do anything inappropriate of course, but just to look at the stars.  there is nothing like laying on the top of the boat staring at the stars.

.there was a strange peace in my heart as i was laying gazing at heaven.  from where i was laying, i could see absolutely no man made creation.  although i was laying on what seemed like the most massive floating creation on earth, i had situated myself in such a way that i was looking up, and could see no part of it.  at that point i literally felt like i was floating the stars, the gentle rocking of the boat beckoning me to leave my cares there on the ground, and let my Lord Jesus Christ pick them up.  and for a few minutes i was able to do that.  i felt as if i was amongst the stars, the wind blowing through what little hair i have left, and the crashing of millions of waves washed away the anxieties that had been building up in my heart.  i felt as if God was laying there next to me, as if my mom was watching me. as if life were, even if just for a moment, the way God intended for it to be, perfect.

.i think it was honestly the first time i had felt that peaceful since the afternoon my mom died.  as i laid there crying, i thought about the days ahead that i had to walk through without my mom. graduation is a week from tomorrow. yes, my high school graduation.  i made it, i lived, i survived; by the grace of God alone.  could this have all been a lesson i could have learned earlier?  had i learned my lesson before she got sick, would she have died? i know these are kinda stupid questions, but they still run through my head. is it my fault? i'm just really having trouble seeing what the whole point of this is. i mean come on, this is so painful. i just don't get how or who this is doing any good for.  

who do i turn to when i'm trying to figure out how to propose in a way that is going to be the most amazing moment of her life? 

who do i call when i can't get my first child to stop crying?

who do i talk to when my kid is as messed up as i am?

.i just don't understand how He could use me. of all people, how me? i mean, i'm insecure, inadequate, i have a stutter, i'm prideful, i'm stubborn, i'm rebellious, i'm incapable, i'm not very bright. how is he going to use a guy like me?

.yes yes yes, i know, i'm no where near the first guy to ask that question. moses couldn't speak either. david was prideful. the list goes on and on.  but what can i really do?

.i'm making a conscious decision right now to live through this for Christ. at times i'm SO tempted to give up. but then what would be the point? i would have suffered and STILL lost. i'm way to stubborn and prideful to go down like that.

.Lord Jesus Christ. use me as you wish, use me for your glory, mold me for your purpose, make me who YOU want me to be.

love is vulnerable.

-chandler andrews ellise

.167.

.6.1.07.

.11.6.06.

i love being alone...he lies.

So, its been awhile since i've actually updated this thing... i thought it was about time.

life lately, wow. thats about the only word i could even use to begin describing it.  had you asked me a year and half ago what i would be doing now, i would have been totally clueless as to the joys and sorrows the next 18 months would bring me.  life has been so bittersweet.  i can't even begin to tell you the emotional roller coaster i've ridden over the last 18 months, and i know its not over, but one thing i do know is, it is going to end well.  not well in the a worldly sense, because my life has been changed radically.  i've lost pieces of it that i will never regain, and i've picked up pieces that i hope i never have to let go of.  let me just tell you first hand, God never gives us more than we can handle.  i can't remember who exactly told me this, but someone recently said: "chandler, God never gives us more than we can handle. do you realize what that means? you're going through so much more than most of us ever go through! that just shows what kind of man God has shaped, and will shape you into. you have to handle all of this, because you can! and because its for His glory!"  i can't even tell you how much those words blessed me.

so what is God's plan for all of this? i have no freaking clue.  but let me just tell you...i'm SO excited.  yes, it has hurt more than i thought i could possibly handle, but is it turning out for my good? of course.  i have yet to see the end, but i know that no matter how it turns out, its going to be for the best.  i don't remember where i read this quote. but somewhere i read "everything will be ok in the end, if its not ok, its not the end."  

the Lord has blessed me far beyond what i deserve. i have a great family, i great school, a great church, and amazing friends.  so many of them have blessed my life in ways that i don't think i could ever tell them.  the Lord has blessed me with, Lauren Kohl, the most amazing girlfriend anyone could ever ask for.  shes been with me every step of the way and i have no idea how i would have made it without her.  she showed not only her love for me, but God's love for me was shown through her.  she's amazing.  also, i've grown much closer to amazing people like will g, will c, max, amy, christian, anna b., and my cousin rachel. all of these people have been incredible friends.

how am i doing? SO much BETTER than i deserve.

i've learned to day by day trust the Lord.  trusting Him is not a one time decision, its moment by moment.

trust Him, have faith in Him, give Him your everything. and in turn, He will bless you beyond reason, beyond comprehension, and far beyond what you truly deserve.

more later....maybe

-chandler